Same But Different

My kid resembles me in so many ways. So often I am taken off guard when I glance at him and I see my self. A blonde boy me. So many similarities. I recognize some of his sensitivities as similar to my own. And his facial expressions. Also his huge brain, clearly from me. I like to say that Wes chose to mate with me because he wanted to "breed up." Wes likes to say that with the combination of his athleticism (snort) and my height (yes), we would make a world class athlete. That is not what seems to be playing out here, but who knows. Don't mention the orthodontia. That is my side, and therefore my fault, and I don't want to hear about it. Poor kid. I was aware early on that Buck might have buck teeth, and that har har wouldn't that be funny, or not. What are you gonna do.

One thing that is very much not like me: he's generally stoked to meet new people. When I was a kid, I developed muteness around strangers. I don't think we actually had many strangers in our lives, honestly. On a farm far from the madding crowd, we mostly knew everyone we saw routinely. This was kind of the opposite of my husband's childhood as a Navy brat, living around the world. Also, Wes talks a lot. To everyone. All the time. Buck is a lot like this. Probably not quite as much as Wes, but the kid likes to talk about stuff. He thinks out loud a lot. More than I need, to be honest. But at least I can rest assured that I generally know whats on his mind. That goes for both of them, really.

One thing that is very much like me: he likes lots of unstructured play time. He gets stressed and squirmy and worried if we have too much going on. Last week we were planning our weekend, which included a busy Sunday full of activities for Wes's birthday. Buck had to walk around with the plan in mind for a while, and then he said "So, mom, Sunday will be our busy day and then Saturday will be our play-it-by-ear-day, right?" Yes, essentially. The weak point in the plan is that he doesn't want to commit to anything, which means I have a hard time convincing him to invite someone to come play, which means he talks to me all day and I lose my marbles. We start to hear me say things like "I'm not going to talk for a little while" or "my brain needs a break from questions" or "GIVE ME SOME SPACE" or "momma needs a nap." Naps save lives.

So here is Buck, in the photo, waiting eagerly, if not somewhat wistfully, by the window for the babysitter to arrive on Saturday. Someone new to talk to!!! And he'd never even met this babysitter before! So excited all day about this! As a kid, I would not have been waiting eagerly by the window. I would have liked the idea in theory that we'd be having a babysitter, especially as I considered it several days in advance. But on the day of, I would have gotten nervous and then cranky and then mean, and I would have directed it all towards my long-suffering mother. And then when the babysitter arrived, I would have lurked in various corners, nervously pinching my lower lip, analyzing the situation, like a small mammal trying to decide when to leave the shelter of the shadows. I just came that way. I'm really not like that anymore, what with maturity and all. But not Buck! Buck was stoked to meet the new sitter. He stood front and center, all casual with one hand in his pocket like a cool guy, and offered a chill wave and "hey" to the newcomer. And then Wes and I left and it was, like, totally non-traumatic. And I am still totally perplexed and deeply grateful about this.

We went out to dinner and it was delicious. I wasn't even nervous. I didn't check my phone ten zillion times. Relaxed in the knowledge that big kid Buck was with the babysitter, talking nonstop, and enjoying himself. And then we went home and Buck was already asleep and I thought, maybe we should pay someone to come put him to sleep all the nights because, mercy, bedtime, ugh. Amirite?

Preparedness

After you've done all the laundry in the house and every bit of clothing is folded and in its proper place, do you ever think: dear God, if the plan is to take me from my Earth life soon, maybe today would be a good day because at least all of the laundry is done and the boys would have clean clothes for a while?

What is that? I have had that thought. My thoughts about that thought are basically equal parts 1) gloating, because I'm so giving and hard-working and living my maternal instincts (tho that feels complicated...but I don't want to write the book on it), and 2) concerned for my mental fitness. 

And that's not even taking into account my ill-defined, wishy-washy, work-in-progress, fly-by-night position on religion.

Nevertheless, I've thought that thought: If You're gonna take me, take me soon because all the laundry is done. The same rationale holds following a big trip to Costco.

Surely I'm not alone on this.