Rated PG for small swears
Well, the past week or so has been rather sad and shitty. You know, indiscriminate bad luck, personal sadness, general anxiety, and heart-wrenching headlines. It's all felt a bit relentless. I've tried my best to feel my feelings while accepting the natural ebb and flow of life's challenges. But jeez. So I've concluded its important to share several examples here.
Remember how I got a new car? Well, a very important thing happened: I took her to Costco for the first time. Before we left the parking lot, I took a picture of her with a full trunk (or boot if you wish you were British):
Isn't this delightful? My kid looks pretty delighted. So. Guess what happened right after this? If you guessed "you got rear ended," you'd be right! It all happened very slowly. I had pulled out and was looking in my rearview mirror and watched as a large, brown SUV slowly backed into my rear end. Bam! So, I got out and I looked at my car: no evident damage. The other car slowly pulled back into its spot. I noted the license plates: Canadian. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) A very small older man and his smaller wife (assuming) got out. And their English wasn't perfect and they were terribly nice and I kinda died of their adorableness. So, I practically hugged them and then sent them on their way.
We got home and Buck says "MOM GOT REAR ENDED!" Thence began my husband's detailed examination of my car which resulted in discovering a tiny dent in my bumper. Followed were many observations made by my husband regarding the failure on my part to "get their information." Sheesh. Its just a bumper. That's what bumpers are for. Also, c'mon, let's just be grateful for a trunk full of food. Life is good. But, still, new car.
Aside from the brand new bumper, I'd been steeling myself for the reality of flying across the country to a friend's memorial. Then Buck got sick so I made a last-minute decision not to go. It was a difficult decision; being absent from the memorial made me restless and sad. Grief is tricky, slippery business. We really aren't designed to grieve in isolation. Anticipating that memorial was its own kind of difficult; being absent from the gathering has made the grief more surreal.
When Buck gets sick, I get rather anxious. When my nerves are worn down like they were last week, little things feel like big things and big things feel monstrous. Anxiety and grief make quite a maelstrom. So, it didn't take much for me to get good and rattled by certain headlines. I adored Anthony Bourdain. Obviously, with famous people, we won't ever know what their true story is; we don't have relationships with them. But they can occupy parts of our psyche, if you will, and play a role in our lives. Having that role tragically altered feels real and hard, no?
Somehow, I found myself reading astrology horoscopes to try to make sense of this insanity and discombobulation and sadness. But even that was overwhelming. Just too much to consider. (Although, super interesting and maybe I should be an astrologer?) I just generally felt spooked, like what will happen next? I spent a lot of time on the treadmill, burning nervous energy and chasing endorphins, which felt really good. And it is always easy to look just beyond myself to see a strong tribe of love and friendship, both here in my village and in lands far away; I am fortunate. Ultimately, my spirits were buoyed over the weekend by driving around this beautiful valley in our big old truck, taking a break from social media, catching the Robert McCauley exhibit at the Museum of Northwest Art, and bbq-ing at my sister's house, watching the kiddos run around together.
Now! I am happy to report that today is the last day of school! Woohoo! Definitely not shitty! Congratulations to Buck for completing the great and mighty 2nd Grade! I love summer with my kiddo. This place is in full bloom and splendor right now. I was driving the curves into town yesterday and the countryside seemed to flaunt itself in front of me like a choreographed show of beautiful ladies in magnificent gowns. Or like when a lady is beginning her ascent up the red-carpeted stairs and she does a partial spin so her enormous dress swirls and settles into place behind her. That's what all the trees and rhododendrons and fluffy, puffy grasses and bushes look like to me. Add some Puget Sound beaches and nearby mountains, and voila! Summer! Am I being Dramatic? Yes. I'm just very relieved that the open, fun days of summer are straight ahead.
P.S. This is where I make it very clear that I feel incredibly, fantastically grateful that I am in a position to hang out with my kid all summer. Being at home was a big ole decision I made a couple years ago. It meant going a certain direction with my life during Buck's early school years, and subsequently not going other directions. I won't be going this "at home" direction for many more years, as per my loose set of intentions/Master Plan, and the more I talk about this the more uncomfortable I get, so I'm just going to stop talking about this. The End.
p.p.s. Buck lost a tooth on Saturday. And the Tooth Fairy actually came that very night, so prompt, so attentive, so generous. What a high-quality Tooth Fairy.
